All I Can Offer
by Ms. AM
Summary: The road to forgiveness is hard.


Title: All I Can Offer (1/1)

Author: Ms. AM

Email: [ALMowry@pathway.net][1]

Rating: PG

Category: V

Keywords: M/S Angst

Spoilers: En Ami mainly

Summary: Just one of the many various takes on the after math of En Ami. This is the one I picked.

Archive: Yeah sure anywhere.

Disclaimer: If I did own them, Scully wouldn't have been wearin' a dress like that for anyone but Mulder.

This is dedicated to Jemirah who beta read for me on the fly and who I apologize to for forgetting to thank her for doing my last fic, The Wrong Partner...she's a gem.

All I Can Offer (1/1)

"Will you come with me?" I ask, my voice soft, tentative.

Mulder sighs, behind me, still standing in the doorway of the now vacant office. "Why? Why are you asking me now..? You didn't hesitate to go off without me... " He trails off, takes a deep breath, but doesn't continue.

It's the first truly honest thing he's said to me since my return; the first glimpse I've had of what he's really feeling.

I want to know.

I need to know.

I could rail at him about all the times he's gone off without me, but that isn't going to solve anything. If I'm honest with myself, it's not the same thing either.

Right now, though, I have to see how big of a fool I was... am.

I turn and Mulder's staring at the floor, at some insignificant point that keeps his attention focused on it, instead of me. I take a few steps until I'm sure my shoes are in his line of sight.

"Mulder? Mulder please look at me," he raises his head, but his face is a mask hiding secrets and emotions too numerous to decipher. 

"I won't beg you, Mulder," I state; even as I reach out for his hand hoping to connect with him physically before continuing. "I know I can go alone. I'm asking you to come with me," he glances down to our joined hands and snatches his away like I've burned, branded, his skin with my own.

"Fine. Let's go," I hear him mutter as he turns and walks away.

I stand in shock, frozen in place, feeling tears welling in my eyes. In all our years together Mulder has never denied me his hand, whether to guide or support.

What have I done?

* * * * *

It's early evening when I finally turn down the dirt road leading to Majorie Butters' home. I throw the car into park, jump out and scale the steps to the porch within moments.

No! It can't be.

"It didn't look like this. Mulder, this place... I swear to you."

The door stands ajar, my heart pounds as I push it open and enter. The living area is gutted, the walls blackened from the flames that must have engulfed the room. 

Partially burned curtains billow in the breeze created by broken windowpanes. I walk into the other rooms. Furniture, books, clothing... Everything is covered in ebony soot, as am I when I finally come out of the house. 

There are a few flowerpots still intact on the porch, but there is no sign of the lush, green plants I saw earlier; only withered vines. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Mulder, standing silent and still. 

I twist my head and glare at him. "Say something!" I bark.

"There's nothing to say... Is there, Scully," his slightly accusatory tone enrages me and I pick up the nearest flower pot and hurl it against the house.

I hear each clink the clay shards make as they rain down on the wooden porch. I almost laugh at the symbolism, shattered-just like my confidence in my own judgement right now.

I feel like such a fool.

The sound of the car door shutting causes something in my to snap a little further and I pick up another pot, sending it sailing.

And another.

And another.

Another... another... another...

Until not a single one remains unscathed. I stumble back to the car; hot, angry tears are coursing down my face. I brush them away roughly only to feel more following the path of those before.

Early evening turns into late on the drive back. We stop at a gas station not far from Majorie's house, I hear Mulder asking about the fire. 

"Such a shame," I hear the attendant say. "She was all alone too... Beat cancer a few years back... Couldn't save her... They tried... She used an old wood stove... That's what caused it... The fire..."

I almost didn't catch the last comment.

"Oh no, mister. That fire was over three months ago... A shame it was especially in the winter... You'd think a fire would be easier to put out in the cold... A real shame..."

I closed my eyes, blocking out everything around me. There's no sense in going to Milford, there won't be anything left for me to find.

* * * * *

I feel like a zombie, following Mulder down the hallway to my apartment door. He unlocks it and I enter first, the sound of my overnight bag echoes when Mulder drops it beside the door.

He sighs and I know he's leaving.

"Don't go," I whisper.

He stops moving.

I finally turn and notice him looking at me and I see the hurt, the naked pain on his face. He doesn't understand... Why... I don't understand why, I thought I did... at the time.

I close the space between us in seconds. My arms wrap around his waist and I bury my face in his chest, my eyes close.

I'm in his arms... That's where I want to be.

It takes a little while to realize I don't feel his arms surrounding me, there's no sweet pressure holding my body close. I don't feel the strength of his embrace warming me, sheltering or supporting me.

I pull away, "Mulder?" He steps back, toward the door.

"Mulder, please," I despise the pleading tenor to my voice. I swallow, thickly, "Mulder... The one thing I could always be sure of was your comfort. Even when I wouldn't allow myself to accept it, I knew the offer was there. Please... Please don't deny me your touch now."

Mulder looks at my outstretched arms, my palms up, waiting for his hands to link with mine. He bows his head before speaking, "I'm sorry, Scully... That's the one thing I can't give you."

With that he opens the door and leaves me, alone.

Alone...

I once said loneliness is a choice, but in all honesty I never felt alone. I would have moments of melancholy, moments of longing... But I always knew I had someone to fill the void if I chose to acquiesce.

I feel alone now.

This new experience of loneliness pervades me; it spreads through me like a plague as I move into the bathroom. I shed my clothes and step into the shower, hoping to wash away my mistake. I'm assaulted by images of Spender, that cabin, his hands on me stripping my clothing...

"Oh...God!" I cry out, before proceeding to scrub my skin just this side of raw. Dirty... Dirty... His touch... I feel defiled... Ashamed... Scared... And empty.

I don't know how long I huddle in the shower, shaking, wishing that water was enough to take away the guilt and shame I feel. I twist the faucet, turning the water off with trembling hands, before stepping out.

I dry off. My movements are lethargic and I'm too numb to even bother with nightwear. I curl up under the comforter on my bed and wonder what it will take to cleanse the betrayal and hurt I saw within Mulder's eyes tonight.

* * * * *

I hear the door open. 

Footsteps...

A gasp...

Increased respiration...well I suppose it's nice to know my nudity has some effect on my visitor.

Fingers tenderly brush the hair away from my face and pull the comforter up to cover my state of undress. I don't open my eyes. I can imagine Mulder kneeling beside the bed; I almost jump when he speaks.

"I know you're awake, Scully."

I open my eyes, but I don't move or speak. Mulder stands and walks around to the other side of my bed. I hear the rustle of clothes as he undresses and I feel the weight of his body when he settles in the bed next to me, not touching, but there.

"I think you know my what's in my heart, Scully. You've cracked it and it... I hurt... I can't give you what you want, what you need right now... I... I don't know if my presence, my being *here* is enough..."

I can barely contain a sob, those words, so familiar to me yet like a dream. I can hear the tears *in* Mulder's voice when he speaks again.

"It's all I can offer..."

Then end...

Authors Notes: Ok this is only one way of approaching the ep some will agree some will disagree, but I wanted a little angst and I really think Scully would end up questioning her judgement in the end.

   [1]: mailto:ALMowry@pathway.net



End file.
